It's January 3rd and everyone is probably off to a great start. We've cleaned out our closets, purged our pantries, stocked our shelves with nutritious foods, dug out our gym membership cards and hit the ground running (some of us, quite literally). Maybe we've decided that this year is the year we're finally going to lose the weight, stick to a routine, take that trip, start the new business we've been talking about for years, quit making excuses...the list goes on and on.
Like everyone else, I sat down last week and wrote out some commitments (I refuse to call them "resolutions") for 2012. And as I skimmed them over, I began to notice a theme. Almost all of them centered around the idea of "following through." Some pertained to art projects, others to my social calendar (such as it is with two small kids), or implementing new ideas for music lessons. Some of it even came down to finishing remaining chapters of a few books. And as I took stock of the list, I realized that I have become the queen of unfinished projects, bouncing from one thing to the next. On rare occasions, I stick it out and see something through to completion (thankfully, my degree in music education is one such example). When we moved into our new house this past summer, I sacrificed sleep in the name of getting boxes unpacked and put away. I just wouldn't let myself rest until our kitchen looked like a kitchen. (But I suspect that had more to do with me being anal than anything else). On the flip side, I'm notorious for getting half way into a painting or a new book and not finishing it or fleshing out a new idea for another blog or song, only to let it it sit around until it goes stale.
There are several reasons why I think I do this. I suspect some of it is possibly a mild form of ADD. (If you really want to see me in full ADD mode, just send me to a craft store. One time, I almost hyperventilated when I brought out my Pinterest app in the middle of Hobby Lobby). Occasionally, I've fallen in love with the idea of something and then when I start it and realize it's not at all what I thought it would be, I find that to be reason enough to drop it like it's hot.
But the God-honest truth is that most of it is fear-based. There are two kinds of fear, though. There's usually an initial fear about logistics. How am I going to pull it off? How will I find the resources? This kind of apprehension, in my opinion, is both necessary and good. It usually propels us forward to find solutions. But many times, the "how's" can quickly evolve into the "what if's." What if I invest everything I have into _______, and it sucks/no one likes it/it's not the best of the best of the best? This kind of fear is crippling because we'll almost always find more reasons to stay right where we are than where we actually want to be. And it's tricky because it can often disguise itself as apathy. All of the sudden, we start dismissing our "crazy" ideas. We say we don't care. We tell people we lost interest. But what we don't want anyone to know is that we've had little white flags tucked away somewhere within arms reach. We want to give ourselves an easy out, just in case.
(Oh, and just for the record, when I say "we," I basically mean "I").
So there, I've just outed myself once again. For the better part of the last five years, I've been working to stop giving myself easy outs, or "just in cases." I never went anywhere without an emergency plan, and then a backup emergency plan in case that emergency plan fell through. And at the end of 2011, do you know what I had?
Two unused emergency plans.
Because I didn't take any risks big enough to even come close to needing them. And because I want to hold more in my hands at the end of this year, here are a few of the things that are on my list of commitments...
--to read 12 books, start to finish. (Doesn't seem like a lot for some, but trust me, I'm not an avid reader so that will be an accomplishment). :)
--to collaborate on and complete a Christmas album (Jake and I have been talking about doing this for at least 3 years now).
--to actively flesh out ideas for a new photography blog/business (as I can afford to get more gear).
--to write more, submit more articles, and lock down more freelance work. (I want to get published some day. There, I said it).
--to begin mentoring/teaching piano lessons to children in the elementary school here in our neighborhood.
I write these not because I'm seeking affirmation or a pat on the back, but because I know that accountability is everything when it comes to taking risks. If we don't tell people what we're doing or what we're about, then we can tell ourselves that it doesn't matter if we haven't followed through with any of it. But maybe it actually does matter. Maybe, in fact, something that fails (even fails miserably) is still worth more than something that hasn't even come to fruition.
So maybe, this year, it's time we put away all of our little white flags for good.
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