Lessons In Chocolate

Jake and I have never been big Valentine's Day people. We avoid going out to eat- opting to stay home, cook a nice dinner, and open up a good bottle of wine. We usually exchange cards, and occasionally there are flowers for me, and that's usually it. Very low key. Now, if you know me, you know I like big. I like overdone. I like surprises. I can take an idea that I'm on fire about and run like the wind. I love planning and organizing. My heart can usually be found in the teensiest details of holidays and celebrations. In the end, I want to make a fuss over you, so just sit back, dammit, and let me have my way.

My husband on the other hand, doesn't like a fuss. Wants to fly under the radar. Less is more. Thinks a birthday is just another excuse to spend money for more stuff. He will tell you he already has enough stuff and he truly means it. This is a man who would be content with a mattress on the floor, a lamp, and maybe his iPhone or laptop.

Let me break it down for you even further. This is a typical conversation we have a couple of times a year:


Me: What would you like for Christmas/your birthday/Easter/Chinese New Year?

Jake: Nothing. I don't need a thing. (translation: I don't need anything at all).

Me: Okay, cool. But seriously, what do you want?

Jake: Really, nothing. I don't want anything. (translation: your love is all I'll ever need in this world).

Me: Oh. {fidgets and looks away}

Jake: Why? What do you want??

Me: Oh. You don't have to get me anything. (translation: there's a strategically placed magazine lying on my side of the bed up in our room, turned to p16 and you BETTER take a hint).


Flame me if you will, but after five years of marriage, no man in his right mind should show up on a major recognized holiday empty-handed, especially if he was instructed not to buy anything. I'm so sure of this that I plan to prepare Milo well in advance. I will tell him that when his future girlfriend/wife says she doesn't want anything, she's LYING. As a matter of fact, she wants that pair of shoes that she was eyeing five months earlier when you met her at the mall to grab dinner. It was probably when she said, "ooh, I wonder if they have those in my size." Or, if she fawns all over her girlfriend's new ring/bracelet/bag in front of you, you better PAY ATTENTION. She's only saying it out loud like that because she wants you to hear it and be able to conjure it up eleven months later when she says, "oh, you don't need to get me anything."

Does this make me sound shallow? Probably. But that's a limb I'm willing to put myself out on for a while, and here's why.


Because it actually isn't about the gift.


I know it sounds like I just contradicted myself, but let me explain. The night before Valentine's Day, I had to make a quick run to a nearby Walgreens to pick up some more Motrin for my little teething monster. While I was there, I walked past two well-dressed men standing in the card section and happened to overhear one of them joke to the other, "I'm not reading all of these. As long as I show up with something..." There were actually quite a few men in the card section that night. Some of them well-dressed. Some were in sweats with 5 o-clock (make that more like 8 o'clock) shadows. Young guys. Middle-aged men. The whole gamut.

I understand that Valentine's Day is really nothing more than a ploy to get consumers to spend more money and put unnecessary pressure on husbands, wives, parents, kids, and teachers to have something to hand their Valentines. And still, something in me cringed when I heard that exchange. I didn't think about it much more though, until Jake came home on Valentine's night with a dozen red roses and a card. The roses were beautiful, don't get me wrong. And the card was one that really spoke to what we shared as a couple- beautifully written and thoughtfully picked, I'm sure.

But there was a perceived problem: there were no chocolates. Yes, I'm aware that some women didn't get anything at all for Valentine's Day. I'm also aware that pointing out the absence of a heart-shaped box of truffles in light of the fact that I was given roses AND a card might make me sound incredibly spoiled. Furthermore, I'm aware that my husband is the bees knees and that he would prefer we didn't celebrate Valentine's Day at all for the reasons mentioned in the previous paragraph. I know all of this in my very core. But the thing is, I just really wanted some chocolates. I had even gone as far as to tell him this a couple of weeks ago. I was sure of it. It wasn't something I had simply hinted or given subliminal messages about. So I was disappointed, as much as I tried not to be. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I struggled against feeling entitled because, in typical me-fashion, I had gone all out (even though I had done it because I wanted to, not because I had ulterior motives).

Still, it bugged me, and he could tell. So I told him. Then I felt like crap. Then he felt like crap. Then I felt even more like crap for making him feel crappy. At first, even I couldn't figure out why it felt like such a big deal to me. Then, about halfway through an awkwardly-silent dinner (which also didn't taste nearly as good after my "where's the chocolate" conversation) I realized that it actually wasn't about the chocolate. I realized it had more to do with the crazy long hours we've both been working lately- him at his job, me at home with the kids. It's the almost constant-state of fatigue we find ourselves in, how we often go to bed at different times because there's always some project keeping one of us up, and how we can be in the same room with each other but sometimes not really see each other. And all of that lent itself to a small paranoia that saw my husband standing in that group of men at Walgreens the other night, randomly plucking out a cheesy card written in iambic pentameter because "anything would do." Yes, I wanted chocolate. But, I think what I really wanted was to know that, even after almost 6 years of marriage and 2 kids, we're still in sync with each other. That we can still tune out all of the ambient noise- the deadlines, appointments, kids, finances, artistic endeavors and everything in between- and dial into each other.


Of course, we don't need a holiday to reaffirm the bond we have with each other. I'm often guilty of putting a lot of pressure on a single day instead of realizing that I can take full advantage of the other 364 days a year to do the same thing. So I guess we both learned a valuable lesson the other night. Jake learned that there is no such thing as overrated chocolate (really, there's not. All chocolate is all good, all of the time).

And I learned that sometimes, it's not really about the chocolate at all...

New Years and Little White Flags

It's January 3rd and everyone is probably off to a great start. We've cleaned out our closets, purged our pantries, stocked our shelves with nutritious foods, dug out our gym membership cards and hit the ground running (some of us, quite literally). Maybe we've decided that this year is the year we're finally going to lose the weight, stick to a routine, take that trip, start the new business we've been talking about for years, quit making excuses...the list goes on and on.

Like everyone else, I sat down last week and wrote out some commitments (I refuse to call them "resolutions") for 2012. And as I skimmed them over, I began to notice a theme. Almost all of them centered around the idea of "following through." Some pertained to art projects, others to my social calendar (such as it is with two small kids), or implementing new ideas for music lessons. Some of it even came down to finishing remaining chapters of a few books. And as I took stock of the list, I realized that I have become the queen of unfinished projects, bouncing from one thing to the next. On rare occasions, I stick it out and see something through to completion (thankfully, my degree in music education is one such example). When we moved into our new house this past summer, I sacrificed sleep in the name of getting boxes unpacked and put away. I just wouldn't let myself rest until our kitchen looked like a kitchen. (But I suspect that had more to do with me being anal than anything else). On the flip side, I'm notorious for getting half way into a painting or a new book and not finishing it or fleshing out a new idea for another blog or song, only to let it it sit around until it goes stale.

There are several reasons why I think I do this. I suspect some of it is possibly a mild form of ADD. (If you really want to see me in full ADD mode, just send me to a craft store. One time, I almost hyperventilated when I brought out my Pinterest app in the middle of Hobby Lobby). Occasionally, I've fallen in love with the idea of something and then when I start it and realize it's not at all what I thought it would be, I find that to be reason enough to drop it like it's hot.

But the God-honest truth is that most of it is fear-based. There are two kinds of fear, though. There's usually an initial fear about logistics. How am I going to pull it off? How will I find the resources? This kind of apprehension, in my opinion, is both necessary and good. It usually propels us forward to find solutions. But many times, the "how's" can quickly evolve into the "what if's." What if I invest everything I have into _______, and it sucks/no one likes it/it's not the best of the best of the best? This kind of fear is crippling because we'll almost always find more reasons to stay right where we are than where we actually want to be. And it's tricky because it can often disguise itself as apathy. All of the sudden, we start dismissing our "crazy" ideas. We say we don't care. We tell people we lost interest. But what we don't want anyone to know is that we've had little white flags tucked away somewhere within arms reach. We want to give ourselves an easy out, just in case.

(Oh, and just for the record, when I say "we," I basically mean "I").

So there, I've just outed myself once again. For the better part of the last five years, I've been working to stop giving myself easy outs, or "just in cases." I never went anywhere without an emergency plan, and then a backup emergency plan in case that emergency plan fell through. And at the end of 2011, do you know what I had?


Two unused emergency plans.


Because I didn't take any risks big enough to even come close to needing them. And because I want to hold more in my hands at the end of this year, here are a few of the things that are on my list of commitments...

--to read 12 books, start to finish. (Doesn't seem like a lot for some, but trust me, I'm not an avid reader so that will be an accomplishment). :)

--to collaborate on and complete a Christmas album (Jake and I have been talking about doing this for at least 3 years now).

--to actively flesh out ideas for a new photography blog/business (as I can afford to get more gear).

--to write more, submit more articles, and lock down more freelance work. (I want to get published some day. There, I said it).

--to begin mentoring/teaching piano lessons to children in the elementary school here in our neighborhood.


I write these not because I'm seeking affirmation or a pat on the back, but because I know that accountability is everything when it comes to taking risks. If we don't tell people what we're doing or what we're about, then we can tell ourselves that it doesn't matter if we haven't followed through with any of it. But maybe it actually does matter. Maybe, in fact, something that fails (even fails miserably) is still worth more than something that hasn't even come to fruition.

So maybe, this year, it's time we put away all of our little white flags for good.

Snapshots from 2011: A Year In Review

2011 was a year of change for our family (I say this like I think that some years should be completely static). But there were some very major life-changes this past year. So let me start with the obvious (and most awesome).



Our precious Milo was born on February 9, 2011.





(P.S. the transition from 1 to 2 is as hard as everyone said it would be. I'm not sure why I didn't believe them). :)




In May, my parents and grandmother (a.k.a. "Memama" and "P-pop") moved back to Virginia after living in Michigan for three years. To say that we're glad to have them living close to us again is an understatement. My dad and his birthday buddy share a special little bond.










In June, our Ella-bug turned two.








Right on the heels of her second birthday, we packed up our little house and moved back to the city. (Disclaimer: I do not recommend moving with young children).



(And I finally got to do a nursery for Milo) :)






Let's see....there was an earthquake in August. (Took us a long time to pick up the pieces).






Followed by a hurricane. How we never lost our power is still a mystery.






And a beach trip that was cut short when we realized that vacations with two little kid aren't really vacations. (But hey, we tried).






In October, we took Ella to see Yo Gabba Gabba Live. It's true that we had way more fun than she did.




Then, we discovered that the more kids you have, the quicker the holidays go by. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas seem like a blur now. But I can't believe how much more fun it is to celebrate times like those with your kids. And all this time, I thought my parents were the ones missing out...




I can't help but be grateful when I look back on this past year and how our family has grown- in all senses of the word. We have much to celebrate today as we say goodbye to a truly pivotal and poignant year in our lives. :)

Santa WTF

Who doesn't thoroughly enjoy a bad Santa pic? I confess that I was a bit disappointed this year that Milo actually didn't cry when he was placed on Santa's lap (and Ella flat out refused to go near him). I was really hoping for another screaming Santa pic. Thankfully, I was able to enjoy a good laugh at others expense with some of these treasures, so I thought I would post a few. Enjoy!










"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake...."









Look like somebody already knew how to make the yuletide gay.










"Shhh....I hid the under-eye concealer...."












{whispers} "He's an angry elf."












If anything every qualified for a big, fat W.T.F- this is it, folks.












Don't everyone get too excited now...















Angela suspected he wasn't the REAL Santa Claus, but she just couldn't put her finger on why..."














Santa, the Joker and Jon from Jon and Kate +8 got together and made a kid. Ta-Da!

"Run, Run Rudolph"

My Papaw was a man of few words and was known, among many things, for his candidness and dry wit. I remember that every year on Christmas morning, after the final present was opened and we found ourselves once again sitting in the remnant of boxes, toys, wrapping paper, mounds of clothes and half-empty mugs of egg-nog and coffee, he would reply with the most stoic of faces, "well, it's all over for another year."

And that was that.

We all laughed and rolled our eyes, but I always cringed just a bit. He was right. All of that build up, all of that anticipation... and then it was over within minutes. Sometimes I feel that Christmas morning is a bit like the last day of vacation. You try to enjoy it, but always with the looming heaviness that you have to return to work and "real life" the next day. Interestingly enough, the New York Times published an article some time ago about how vacations affect your happiness but I found myself reading it and thinking how one could easily replace the word "vacation" with the word "Christmas." The study was published in the journal Applied Research in Quality of Life, and was conducted to show that the largest increase in a person's level of happiness was directly related to simply planning a vacation or trip. According to research, the anticipation alone boosted happiness for upwards of eight weeks. Ironically, almost all people- regardless of how relaxing the vacation was- reported going back to baseline levels of happiness nearly right away after returning from vacation. And those that were only "somewhat relaxed" on their vacation reported the same levels of happiness of those that didn't even go on vacation that year.

So, if what this article is claiming is true and could be applied to any event, then 1) it would seem that the happiest time for all of us in the midst of the holiday season is actually right now. Today. This week. Maybe even last week. And 2) we get out of Christmas what we put into it. (That seems like a very cliche thing to say, but it couldn't be more true). As I was wrapping gifts the other night and the smell of my great-great grandmother's applesauce cake baking in the oven permeated the house, I realized that this (the preparation, the traditions that we're creating around our family and faith) is Christmas to me. The problem is that I often don't slow down enough to realize that Christmas isn't just a day I'm counting down to, not even as it pertains to the Christian faith. I think it's actually bigger than that. It's meant to encompass a spirit, a perspective, even a rhythm of life. Yet for so many of us- especially those of us blessed with type A personalities {casually whistles and glances away}, this time of year often becomes the complete antithesis of what we hope for it it to be. We practically give ourselves ulcers trying to beat the clock, get the last of the Christmas cards mailed in time, schedule family get-togethers, clean, bake, decorate, wrap, spend and of course, second-guess that gift we bought for such-and-such.

This, my friends, is what December is usually like for me. Each year, I vow to approach it differently. And each year, I conveniently forget how exhausted I was the Christmas before. I miss the forest for the trees. I miss Christmas because I'm too busy trying to make Christmas.

I hope that makes sense. It may not. I'm currently running on 5 hours of sleep because I was up late last night finishing Christmas cards, wrapping gifts and more or less acting like I wasn't going to be awakened at the butt-crack of dawn by either my 2 1/2 year-old or 10 month-old. (Guilty as charged). ;-) So for all of my friends and family and for anyone else who happens to stumble upon this post, I wish for you peace and joy and perhaps a little bit of relief in knowing that Christmas cannot be manufactured or manipulated, nor can it be created or coerced. It simply IS.

You can let yourself off the hook now (and I'm going to do my best to follow my own advice). ;-)

Grace and Peace to you, and Merry Christmas! :)

Christmas Shopping (According to Kdub)

It's about that time, peeps! (Or it already has been for some of us...) There are only 40 shopping days left 'til Christmas and while I suspect that most guys will wait until day 40 of this countdown, I have plans to have all of my gifts bought AND wrapped at least 2 weeks before the big man in the red suit makes his appearance (but we'll see how successful I really am at this). As entertaining as it is to watch my feet and ankles swell up like sausages, I've decided that, at 33 weeks pregnant, I will not want to go and stand in ridiculously long lines at the mall to find the perfect (and probably overpriced) sweater/earrings/scarf/kitchen gadget. I would reconsider if I had a Little Rascal to scoot around in, but my pride is too big to be swallowed at this point. (Give me another month though, and I might reconsider). Just for fun, and because I haven't posted anything in a while, some random thoughts (that I loosely refer to as "rules") when it applies to me and Christmas shopping. ;-)


1. Set a budget and stick to it.
You know, within a couple hundred bucks or so....

2. Shop when there are sales. If possible, combine with coupons or other savings cards you get in the mail.
This way, you can buy that cashmere scarf for your best friend and one for yourself.

3. Online shopping really is the way to go.
Coming from someone who loves to shop in stores and malls at Christmastime- if for nothing more than the nostalgia and overall warm Christmas fuzzies it gives me- even *I* can't deny the advantages of one-click purchasing. Really, who can argue with the concept of perusing stores in your pajamas with a cup of hot coffee while watching Christmas movies? Throw in some cinnamon rolls and I've pretty much died and gone to Heaven.

4. It's socially acceptable to start Christmas shopping as soon as Halloween is over.
(Maybe even sooner). I know a lot of people will disagree with this, but just take a walk through Target the day after Halloween. No sooner have the Jack-O-Lanterns been put on clearance than the Christmas trees, Santa figurines and holiday decor come busting out. If it's there on the shelf, then who can blame you for putting it in your cart? No time like the present!

5. While out Christmas shopping, it only makes sense to be listening to Christmas music.
Even if the weather is, oh, in the 70's- like it has been here in Richmond for the past 2 weeks. (Don't even get me started). It may feel like Christmas in July, but don't be ashamed. Go ahead and turn up the "Linus and Lucy" theme song and get your jam on. (Disclaimer: if you are caught listening to either "Christmas Shoes" or "Dominic the Donkey," you will be hunted and down and brusquely beat about the head with a giant candy cane).

6.. If you put it on a credit card, it doesn't really count towards your original Christmas budget.
This is probably one of my favorite self-imposed rules. If it doesn't come directly out of your account at that moment of purchase, you can pretend it didn't happen! This is especially beneficial for that pair of over-the-knee suede boots that were too good to pass up. Pure magic! Just tell yourself you'll deal with it in January. (I'm pretty much expecting Dave Ramsey to be beating down my door any second now...)

7. Buy people what they have specifically asked for.
Especially if you're lucky enough to have someone actually give you a specific list. I tend to adhere to this as the "Golden Rule" of Christmas shopping: do what you would like to have done to you. I'm sure we can all remember specific incidents as kids when we got what I like to call "filler gifts." If you left too much up in the air for the person shopping for you, you were liable to end up with granny panties, socks, a Richard Simmons workout DVD or some kind of inanimate object you can neither identify or determine it's use. These days, gift cards are not thought of as "taboo" or "thoughtless" as they might have been viewed once upon a time. If you don't have specifics, gift cards are the way to go.

8. It really isn't about the gifts.
(Duh). Contrary to some of the earlier "rules," of course, I know that it really isn't about checking off a list or maxing out a credit card, but it's easy to get sucked into the hype. Really, who doesn't love giving gifts to other people- even if it means going a little overboard? However, my excitement for Christmastime revolves more around being with family now-especially after having Ella- and sharing experiences together and reflecting upon a baby born in Bethlehem- a story that will bring even more significance to me this year as my own discomfort from being hugely pregnant with our son will serve as a precious reminder. (And yeah, I think riding on a donkey would be a sure-fire way to send me over the edge at this point). I know that the memories we will make this year will far outlast anything I could buy or wrap up in shiny paper, and this is a legacy I hope to pass on to Ella and Milo through the years. (Okay, that, first and foremeost- and THEN the art of Christmas shopping). ;-)