"How to Sleep Deprive Your Mommy" (reposted)

Since I have a few friends who have just become new mamas (and some that are new mamas again) I am reposting this because, well, it seems that babies everywhere are staging a coup through sleep deprivation. Grab another cup of coffee and enjoy!


"Dear Fellow Babies,

OK, here's my situation. My Mommy has had me for almost 3 months. The first few weeks were great--I cried, she picked me up and fed me, anytime, around the clock. Then something happened. Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to STTN (sleep through the night). At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is only getting worse. I've talked to other babies, and it seems like its pretty common after Mommies have had us for around 5-6 months. Here's the thing: these Mommies don't really need to sleep. It's just a habit. Many of them have had some 30 years to sleep--they just don't need it anymore. So I am implementing a plan. I call it the Crybaby Shuffle.

It goes like this:

Night 1--cry every 3 hours until you get fed. I know, it's hard. It's hard to see your Mommy upset over your crying. Just keep reminding yourself, it's for her own good.

Night 2--cry every 2 hours until you get fed.

Night 3--every hour.

Most Mommies will start to respond more quickly after about 3 nights. Some Mommies are more alert, and may resist the change longer. These Mommies may stand in your doorway for hours, shhhh-ing. Don't give in. I cannot stress this enough: CONSISTENCY IS KEY!! If you let her STTN (sleep through the night), just once, she will expect it every night. I KNOW IT'S HARD! But she really does not need the sleep; she is just resisting the change. If you have an especially alert Mommy, you can stop crying for about 10 minutes, just long enough for her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep. Then cry again. It WILL eventually work. My Mommy once stayed awake for 10 hours straight, so I know she can do it.

The other night, I cried every hour. You just have to decide to stick to it and just go for it. BE CONSISTENT! I cried for any reason I could come up with:

My sleep sack tickled my foot.

I felt a wrinkle under the sheet.

My mobile made a shadow on the wall.

I burped, and it tasted like rice cereal. I hadn't eaten rice cereal since breakfast, what's up with that?

The dog said "ruff." I should know. My Mommy reminds me of this about 20 times a day. LOL.

Once I cried just because I liked how it sounded when it echoed on the monitor in the other room.

Too hot, too cold, just right--doesn't matter! Keep crying!!

I had drooled so much my sheets were damp and I didn’t like it touching me.

I decided I was sick of all the pink in my room so I cried.

It took awhile, but it worked. She fed me at 4am. Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am. You need to slowly shorten the interval between feedings in order to reset your Mommies' internal clocks. Sometimes my Mommy will call for reinforcements by sending in Daddy. Don’t worry though, Daddies are not set up for not needing sleep the way Mommies are. They can only handle a few pats and shhing before they declare defeat and send in the Mommy.

Also, be wary of the sleep sheep with rain noises. I like to give Mommy false hope that listening to the rain puts me to sleep so sometimes I pretend to close my eyes and be asleep and then wait until I know Mommy is settling back to sleep to spring a surprise cry attack. If she doesn’t get to me fast enough I follow up with my fake cough and gag noise that always has her running to the crib. At some point I am positive she will start to realize that she really doesn’t really need sleep.

P.S. Don't let those rubber things fool you, no matter how long you suck on them, no milk will come out. Trust me."

Rules of Sleeping In {According to a 2 Year Old}

1. There is no sleeping in.

2. If it's light outside, it's time to get up. {Were you not aware that we live on a farm? Fresh eggs anyone??}.

3. If Mommy and Daddy stayed up late last night, I will wake up at least an hour earlier the next morning.

4. If Mommy and Daddy had that special red drink they never let me try, I will wake up at least TWO hours earlier the next day.

5. When Mommy gets up to feed Milo, I figure she might as well stay up, so I'll stand at the gate to my room and start throwing toys and wooden food down the stairs.

6. I will sing Yo Gabba Gabba songs at the top of my lungs if the toys and wooden food elicit no response.

7. I will stand .25 inches away from Mommy's face, all while poking her in the ear, nose and eye and asking for waffles. Especially on mornings when Daddy lets her sleep in.

8. I'm most curious between the hours of 6 and 8 a.m. and this is when I ask Mommy all of my good questions (I try to get them in before her first cup of coffee) . "Does Brobee have ears? Can I have some strawbehwwies? What's that name? Mommy, you change your shirt? What's in dat ceweal bar? Is dat Curious George's Daddy? Where's P-pop? Are those cars sleeping too?"


Check back soon for the "Rules of Sleeping In {According to a 6 Month Old}" post...

Love for the Woombie

I have said it over and over, but it bears repeating: If the epidural was the best money I ever spent pre-baby, then this was the best money I ever spent post-baby. (And a heckuva lot cheaper than the epidural). I was skeptical, at first, that this cocoon-looking sack would really give my tired, hormonal body a good stretch of sleep via my 7 week old daughter, but I was at my breaking point and willing to try anything. Anything. The first night I zipped her up, looking very much like a baby sausage, went to bed around 10 and kept my fingers crossed. I woke up at 5 the next morning and she was still sound asleep. Really? Too good to be true? Only time would tell. But night after night, her stretches of sleep increased, as did my amazement. My under-eye circles started to disappear. I got my sense of humor back. My coffee even tasted better. I stopped being crazy-hormonal-b*tch-from-hell Kristin and started being the girl my husband said he wanted to marry (because I'm pretty sure there were times when he thought, I did NOT sign on for this).

All of this for about 30 smacks.

I got a chance to test out the Woombie's magic again this past February when my son was born. Though not nearly the great sleeper my daughter was (he just now started sleeping through the night at nearly 4 months), he managed 5-6 hour stretches of sleep when he was just a few weeks old and I feel pretty darn confidant that it was largely due to this little piece of fabric. So confidant, in fact, that I just ordered him another one in size "big baby" and have started to nervously watch for the UPS man because I know he may only have a few more days, at best, in the NB size before he busts the zipper. And I fear that may make for a difficult night.

*Diclosure: This is not an official review. Woombie.com did not pay me to say any of this. It's just a little gushing from an over-tired Momma who is finally having her sleep- and sanity- restored.;-)

The Timeline of "Tired"

It's currently week 11 of Milo's middle-of-the-night munching. This is exactly four and a half weeks past the point that Ella decided to be an angel and sleep through the night. (Yes, I now painfully understand how lucky we were with her). At first, I was naive enough to think that putting him in the Woombie would work it's magic just like it did with his sister, but alas, we are still waking up at least once in the middle of the night. So I started thinking about this sleep-deprivation thing and I've decided that there's a certain progression down this oh-so-familiar path of fatigue. I think it goes something like this:

Weeks 1 and 2: Some might predict these to be the hardest weeks of adjustment, but surprisingly, these are some of the easier weeks to deal with because you're still riding that hormonal high (and sometimes hormonal VERY low) and you're simply caught up in the newness of your little ball of pudge. You look at your husband with googly eyes as you watch him make the transformation from husband to Daddy, or daddy times two (or three...). Life is sweet. You might even catch yourself saying, "Hey, this isn't so bad. I don't know what I was so worried about. I'm not that tired."

Week 3: this is the game-changer. Something happens in week 3, (or at least it did both times in my case): the newness wears off, the family that was hanging around to help (if you were so lucky) has vacated the premises and "real life" starts to sink in. It's 1:42 a.m. and you're up yet again with your hungry ball of pudge and two realizations hit you. 1) Your husband has a hidden talent you never knew existed in all your years of dating and marriage, which is that he could sleep through a tornado. Perhaps DEAF is a better term. At the same time you also realize that you are now equipped with an acute sense of hearing- one so sharp that you can actually hear the boogers rattling inside your baby's nostrils. You find this to be both alarming and annoying.

Week 4-5: Is it just your imagination, or is your darling little one a little less darling at 2:19 a.m.? You'll do anything to keep yourself awake because, as odd as it sounds, having the jaws of life attached to your boobs isn't enough. So you resort to checking facebook on your phone. What? No one else is posting at 2:30 in the morning? Only one new post? Lame. And then by 5:50 a.m., you're so tired that you hate your iPhone, you hate your leaking boobs, you hate your husband for not being able to lactate (and also for the simple fact that he looks so peaceful sleeping beside you) and you hate your child's incessant booger rattling/grunting/squeaking/farting.

Week 6: Hello, growth spurt. In other words, the 20 minute window of time you used to take a shower is practically non-existent. You might as well not even wear a shirt. When you go to your 6 week PP check-up, your OB asks you about birth control and first, you laugh. Who's having sex?? But then you tell him you'll take them ALL. The IUD, the depo provera shot, the pill- Just throw them all in a goody-bag and you'll be on your way. You can never be too sure.

Week 7-8: At this point, baby randomly throws in a 5 hour stretch of sleep here and there and you're so elated that you almost pee your pants in excitement. Suddenly, 4:30 doesn't seem so bad when you weren't already awake at 2. S/he looks cute again. Your husband's snoring doesn't seem to bother you as much. You think that maybe things are starting to take a turn toward normalcy.

Week 9: Yeah, right. SUCKA! You're back at square one again, and this time it stings that much more because you've had a taste of what semi-decent sleep feels like. You fight the urge to pick up the phone and call your mother to tell her you're sorry for all the shit you put her through and that you love her. She must have put the "I hope one day you have kids who act just like you do" curse on you. You think if this is any indication, the teenage years are going to be AWESOME.

Week 10: You figure out that whatever is left of your disposable income after buying diapers and wipes goes to coffee and under-eye concealer, in that exact order. And then wine.

Week 11: The sleep is getting better. Gradually more nights of 5-6 hour stretches, but not enough that you're willing to bank on anything. You've learned the hard way that these precious babes are notorious for making you think you have them figured out, only to throw a wrench (or teether, whatever) into the plans. So you do what can do to get by- only slightly aware of what day of the week it is, and you think it's already May, but who can be sure? You're confident that one day you'll look back, albeit with a much more well-rested perspective, and think it wasn't so bad.
(But then you can re-read this blog-post and be reminded that it only took 5 days to actually finish it because brain cells only function for so long with inadequate sleep).

Ah well, life goes on. ;-)

Ode to Sleep

We've arrived at our last weekend as a family of three. And it started abruptly at 6:01 a.m. when my normally good sleeper decided she would throw her binky out of her crib and then talk (read: whine) about it. I guess she figures that since we're *this* close to having a newborn in our house, we might as well start getting up before we darn well feel like it.

Oh sleep. You've been so good to me over the last 16 months. Please don't forget about me. Please don't forget about my son. And please don't forget the fact that you showed up in very large chunks when Ella was only 5 weeks old and that you graced her with your beautiful 7-8 hour presence by 6 weeks. Yes, I know how lucky I was. But I'm asking to be that lucky again. If it's wrong to hope that this will be a common trait shared between a sister and brother, then I don't want to be right.

In case you decide to hold out on me, I come armed with the Keurig B70 Platinum edition. 5 cup sizes and brewing strengths. A "brew over ice" option, even.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

(Ok, but seriously, don't forget about me. Please. Thank you...)

Ode to the Woombie

What's the value of a full night's sleep?  Can you put a price tag on sanity, you ask?  Well, I'm here to tell you- YES- yes, you can put a price tag on it.   I'm happy to announce that for me, the cost was a mere $28.95 (plus shipping and handling).   Don't be fooled by appearance.  Your sweet little baby might look as though they are imitating a Jimmy Dean sausage roll, but it will guarantee you at least one REM cycle, heck maybe even two.  I had pretty much decided that I would be willing to dress Ella up as Hannah Montana if it meant that I could sleep longer than 3 hours at a time.  Luckily, I was able to put away the blonde wig and sequins for another time....and instead, found this cocoon of cotton, polyester and lycra.  It's designed to keep baby snug and secure while still giving them the ability to move their arms and legs inside the sack, much like the way they are in Mommy's belly (hence, the name "Woombie.")  The typical swaddle blanket, when used correctly, can work pretty well and will help to pin their arms down, but inevitably, they will get big enough and strong enough to break out of their swaddle and startle themselves awake.  So, as fun as it was for me to hop in and out of bed ever 25 minutes to re-swaddle Ella and shush her back to sleep, I knew there had to be a better way.  I'm *overjoyed* to report that the first night she slept in her Woombie, she went for 7 hours straight.  Seven hours!  I woke up that morning and looked over to see my clock say 5:33 am and I almost wet my bed in excitement.  The next night, she went for 8 hours.  The night after that- and every consecutive night since- she has gone at least a 9 hour stretch.  Last night, we put her down to bed at 9:45 and she slept until 8:30 this morning.  *Nirvana, I tell you.*

I'm sold.  I will buy this for every friend of mine who gets pregnant from here on out.  If the $650 I paid for my epidural was the best money I ever spent pre-baby (and it was), the $32-odd dollars that I paid for this sweet sack of sanity is the best money I've ever spent post-baby.  Such a small, seemingly insignificant article of clothing that I credit with restoring some normalcy into my crazy, overtired, hormonal life as a new mommy...