"WWNPD"

Or, "What would normal people do?"

This has become my mantra over the last several months. But first I have an announcement: I'm not normal. (Shocker, I know). But really, who is? So for me, maybe this mantra should go one step further and say, "what would someone who isn't emetophobic do?"


Before I go any further, let me just preface this by saying that this is not a "hooray for me" post. I'm far from celebrating nor do I want to give the appearance that I've got my shit together. We all- every single one of us- have crap to deal with. We have our vices. We have weaknesses and sore spots and bruises and scabbed over injuries. And while we come to understand that the pain will eventually subside, we also know that the scars sometimes last forever. The anxiety can feel like it will last forever too. I know for a fact that there are so many people who struggle with anxiety and phobias, but would never speak out about it for fear of being labeled a freak or a weirdo. This has been my struggle. It's tempting to want to take that fear and make it your identity and let it define you for the rest of your life. Maybe for some, it's anxiety over work. For others, it's a fear of never measuring up. For me, it's this.

So what would a normal person do? (And by normal, I mean someone who doesn't fear their own body). In essence, they just do life, one day at a time, like everyone else. They don't over-think things. They don't obsess about what they're eating and whether it could potentially make them sick. They don't avoid public transportation, or refuse to go places where they might be exposed to other people being sick. They ride rollercoasters at amusement parks. They get pregnant and have babies. When those babies get a little older and get the stomach flu, they sit with them and wipe their faces and tell them that they're going to be okay.

I have to remind myself more often than I would like, that I am, in fact, going to be okay. And not only that I'm going to be okay. I am okay. Better than okay. Even after five years of struggling with the anxiety associated with emetophobia and six-plus months of intense cognitive behavioral therapy, I still have many moments throughout the day when I have to ask myself, "what would a normal person do?" The answer for me is actually found asking that one simple question. Because I know that if I want to be normal (unafraid of throwing up), then I have to act normal. Some days, it means I eat chicken without asking whether it's cooked thoroughly. Or that I let someone else drive the car and be a passenger, forfeiting my illusionary sense of control and risking the (unlikely) chance I will get car-sick. Other days, it will just mean being a mommy- being coughed and puked on (yep, it happened and I lived to tell about it), making multiple trips to the doctor, and purposefully doing things outside what I consider to be my comfort zone for the sake of being present with my kids as they grow up. There are days when I'm still scared of throwing up. But the days that I choose to move past the "what ifs" and focus on the "here and nows" are trumping the days I choose not to.

And for now, that's all that matters.