Things I Wish I Had Known (A Letter to Myself)

A few months back, a good friend of mine asked me to take part in a project she was doing for work that aimed to uncover certain universal truths about the mother-child bond. In this project, her agency asked for women who are mothers to write letters to themselves the night/day before they have their first child. What would we tell ourselves? What things do we know now that we would have loved to know then? What legacies do we wish to carry forward with this next generation?

I jumped at the opportunity to write about the relationship I have with my Ella-bug and immediately dove into the recesses of my memory, trying to re-live the last few days, hours, minutes, before I was catapulted into "first time Mommy-dom," with it's steep learning curve, rollercoaster hormones and 3-a-night feedings. And as I reflected back, I realized that- excited as I was about meeting this tiny person who had been shoving her feet in my ribcage for well over 5 months- I had become afraid of her. I had heard one too many stories from (I think) well meaning people who told me that my life, as I had come to live it, was "over" once "that baby comes along." Things like, "forget sleeping in," and "I hope you enjoy infomercials because that's all you'll be watching at 2 a.m. when you're up feeding the baby," and "your time is the baby's" and "you'll forget what it's like to have a real date night with your husband...." reverberated through my head. In spite of all the wonderful things people were speaking into my life about becoming a mommy and how I would fall head over heels in love with this little creature (which I totally did), I instead chose to hang tighter onto all of the negative things. Isn't that the way it always goes?

And guess what? I lost sleep. A lot of it. I cried a lot in those first 2 months of Ella's life. But more often than not, the tears were happy ones (hormones, I tell ya, hormones...) I actually *did* get to sleep in, because I have a wonderful husband who would get up with Ella when it was obvious that I needed a break. And we started having "real" date nights again after about 6 weeks, when Jake's parents offered (and we gladly accepted) to keep her for us on a Friday or Saturday night almost every single weekend. To this day, she still goes over there one night every weekend and we still get to be "Kristin and Jake," not just "Mommy and Daddy."

I was scared for no reason. And as I started to write this letter to myself and reflected back on the last days before Ella's arrival, I realized that I haven't missed out on a single thing. Nothing at all has been taken away from me that I wouldn't gladly give up. (Obviously, because I'm about to do it all over again in 6 months. ;) ). Life is more rich because I'm Ella's mommy. She has given me more than I could have ever given myself in the 27 years I had before I knew her...



Dear Kristin,

You have been waiting impatiently for your little girl to get here for 10 months and 1 week now. Your labor has started up and then just as quickly fizzled out every day for the last week and as far as you're concerned, time could not be going any slower. But please, hold onto this moment. Enjoy feeling her move in your belly. Savor these last precious moments you have with your husband as just the two of you. Life is about to change dramatically in less than 24 hours. Yes, after 276 days of pregnancy, you have only hours left to wait. Don't rush this. Because once you hold your daughter tomorrow, time will never be able to go slowly enough for you. You will blink your eyes and the tiny 6 lbs 15 oz peanut you cradle in your arms will soon be an independent, spunky toddler who refuses to let you rock her to sleep. You, too, will become the cliché you swore you'd never be, who asks, “where did the time go?”

Right now, you are wondering how you could ever love someone as much as your parents love you. You've heard people talk about this kind of love, and though you would never admit it to anyone, you're afraid you may be the one exception. You worry you won't love her enough. But rest assured, your heart will break in a completely new way when you lay eyes on her tomorrow. You will dream bigger, pray harder, laugh louder and love more deeply than you ever knew you could. Jake will continue to be your rock, and though you might find that you disagree over the little things, remember that they are just that- little things. He will astound you in the way that he loves and cares for his little girl and your heart will be so full as you watch her eyes light up when he comes home from work. Please don't take him for granted. You will be emotionally and physically exhausted at the end of each day, but remember that he will be too. Lean on each other and your love will be stronger for it.

Now is also a good time for you to admit that you don't adapt well to change. You have a certain idea of how things should be once Ella is home with you. Be prepared to throw these pre-conceived and idealistic notions out the window. This is going to be messy- both in the physical and metaphorical sense of the word. Make the decision right now to adjust the amount of pressure you place on yourself. You will not be able to clean the house, fix dinner, take a shower and tend to all of Ella's needs, every single day. Your outfit may not be coordinated some days. You may not get a chance to put on makeup. This doesn't make you any less of a woman, and it certainly doesn't make you a failure. You are using up every resource available to you to take care of this little one and that in and of itself, is a beautiful thing. Don't stress about the pile of dishes in the sink or the dust bunnies lying on the floor. You have the rest of your life to clean up your house, but only so many years where she will actually want you to play with her. Get down on the floor with her at her level- every day. And remember that it really is okay if she doesn't go down each night right at 8:30 or if she doesn't finish all of her veggies. Be prepared to question yourself on a daily basis, regarding everything from over the counter meds to sleeping arrangements and discipline, but resist the temptation to carry around the infamous “mom-guilt.” Don't let yourself fall prey to anyone who makes you feel that you aren't enough. Remember that God has hand-picked you to be Ella's mother and thus, has given you a strong intuition specifically for her. Trust it and go with it. If you remember to do anything as a mother, extend grace as much as you ask for it.

No matter what you ever knew or thought you knew about God, you will experience Him in a whole new way tomorrow when you hold your newborn baby girl. You may, in fact, get just a glimpse of how much you are loved by Him. Your daughter will be a constant and precious reminder that life is to be lived. Get ready for the celebration.



K