*Most* people know how to speak and behave around pregnant women, as a general rule. I've discovered that some people, however, do not have a filter through which they speak. So, as promised, here are the 10 things to never say to a pregnant women, according to yours truly. These are in no particular order.
1. "You just wait...."
Here are some G-rated examples of things said to me:
"If you think your boobs are big now, you just wait..."
"If you think you're uncomfortable now, you just wait..."
"If you think you're exhausted now...." (you get the idea)
Do people get some kind of satisfaction in pointing out that you're not nearly as miserable now as you will be? Gee thanks. I'm enlisting my friend Karma to pay you a visit sometime in the near future.
2. "Try eating some saltines."
Saltines, huh? Wow. I had NEVER heard that one. I miserably called the nurse at my OB's office to ask for a prescription for Zofran and one of the first questions out of her mouth was, "Have you tried saltines?" Seriously, what is it about these crackers that makes people (even trained medical professionals) think that by eating them, the nausea should instantly vanish?I mean, did she really think that I hadn't already tried anything and everything possible to stop the bubble of puke from creeping up even further in my throat? "Oh nevermind. You're right. Who needs Zofran when I have a tasteless box of crackers in my pantry. My bad." Seriously people. Just as many pregnant women who have tried the ol' saltine and ginger ale diet have more than likely watched it come back up in the toilet. Moving on.
3. "Can I touch your belly?"
Unless you're a close family member, girlfriend or the one actually responsible for putting that peanut in there, then no- no, you may not. Period. I might even exercise some grace if you actually ask, but unfortunately, most people just don't bother to ask anymore. A pregnant woman's belly, therefore, is often treated like commercial property- i.e. the assistant at my eye doctor who put her hands way too close to the equator, thank you very much. *shudders* How often do you see someone walk up and rub the stomach of an overweight woman- just because their belly is bigger (albeit for a much different reason, but still). Or run their hands up and down someone with obvious washboard abs? It just doesn't happen. But if you've got a pea in your pod, look out. It's an instant magnet and it's all hands on deck. Which, on a bad hormonal day, means I'll deck you.
4. Any comment about how big you are:
"Wow, you look like you're about to pop." Why thank you, Captain Obvious. I'm having a baby- what's your excuse??
"You sure there's only one in there?" *fake laugh* Amazingly people think this is actually funny. All the while, I want to retort, "You sure you don't want the heel of my boot up your ass?"
Or the opposite (which I got up until a month ago when I finally popped):
"You're 15 weeks? You don't look pregnant at all!" Nice. Because after all the nausea, fatigue, breast enlargement, inflamed nipples, food cravings and swollen ankles- all I want is to at least look the part. Apparently I just looked more like I had way too many fourthmeals at Taco Bell.
5. Any unsolicited advice or comments about baby's name.
"What kind of a name is....?
"That's such a popular name right now."
"What about....?"
Let me start off by saying that yes, of course, you are entitled to your opinions. But please know when to keep them to yourself. And this would be one such time. It seems many people are surprised to find out that, *shock* mom and dad-to-be don't want or need their stamp of approval on the choice of names they've picked. And it's not up for discussion. Didn't you all get our email about which baby names you liked best? You didn't? Oh, I'm sorry. That's right. We don't care.
6. "It's probably just your hormones."
I realize a lot of women will play the hormonal card as often as they can get away with it. I admit I did this often when Aunt Flo made her monthly appearance. But pregnancy hormones are not "just hormones," people. They're downright scary. They could beat the crap outta my period hormones and steal their lunch money to boot. So, yes, I'm all too aware that my body is outta control and I'm a) crying because someone in front of me at Panera took the last four Cheese Egg Souffle or b) overreacting because you didn't call when you said you would or c) feeling the intense need to dust the bedroom before we go to sleep to avoid having a meltdown or d) crying for no apparent reason at all...
but having you tell me that's it's probably "just my hormones" does NOT in any way make it easier or better. Jake learned this early on and has since stopped saying that. Now he just gives me a hug or rubs my back (or retreats to his studio for hours at a time to escape it all, poor guy.) *Big brownie points to him* <3
7. "Hey Mama!" (or "Preggo")
I have a first name, and the last time I checked my driver's license, it was neither of those. The only person who gets to call me anything that closely resembles "Mama" is my unborn child. However, if you are a fellow "mama-to-be" (there are quite a few in my circle of friends right now), you're excused as there is a camaraderie among pregnant women, where there is a true sense of empathy. (The same is true for #3). But that still leaves quite a large percentage of you who should call me by my first name.
8. "Are you sure you should be eating that?"
Since when is it anybody's business what I have a craving for? If I am granted a reprieve from the waves of nausea long enough to realize that I really want a double cheeseburger from McDonald's, then outta my way. What baby wants, baby gets. If I've decided that in fact, one piece of chocolate birthday cake was not enough, then back off. I'm expending more calories sitting here growing a human than you probably will in one visit to the gym.
9. Any unsolicited details about your own labor and birth experience.
Remember the overly friendly eye doctor assistant in #3? Well, she also had some lovely things to share with me concerning her own birthing experience. She gave me a play by play on how she ended up pushing for nearly 6 hours because she was afraid she was going to poop on the table. No lie. Instead, other grotesque things ended up happening to her, most of which made pooping on the table sound ideal. Definitely not the kind of story you want to hear from the woman touching your contact lenses. I'll add that she did this only after she sat me down in the dark in that weird chair with the goggles. I had nowhere to run and by the time her story was over, I was wanting to poke my mind's eye out.
10. Any comment or question about how baby may have been conceived.
Upon hearing the good news that a baby is on the way, there is really only one appropriate response and that is: "Congratulations!" Things not to say include but are not limited to: "It's about time," "Is he getting fixed after this one?"or "are you sure you can handle another one?" Also, questions like, "how long did you all try?" or "was it planned?" and any other fertility-related inquiries are quite frankly nobody's business. If they are close enough to know, they don't need to ask and likewise, if they don't know, they simply have no business asking.
And so there it is. A list, which I'm sure will grow to 15, maybe even 20 things never to say to a pregnant woman by the time I reach June. We shall see...
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