Slow and Steady

There's no other way to say it: some days, it's still hard for me to accept that anxiety is a regular part of my life. It's not who I am, but it sure does feel that way. On the one hand, I know I'm making progress because I probably wouldn't have setbacks (at least, what I perceive them to be). Ironic as it might sound, I know that If I'm feeling uncomfortable/nervous/anxious, it's usually because I'm doing something to push the envelope and that brings a bit of perspective. On the other hand, it's been five years. FIVE. On my own self imposed time-line of recovery, I was supposed to be sky-diving by now. Maybe running marathons. Getting a degree in clinical psychology so that I can help people through this very same process. (See the problem?)

I never thought of myself as a competitive person. I think I assumed this because I never played a lot of sports and I always associated being competitive with something like running up and down the field with a hockey stick, or maybe getting so pissed in a tennis match that I break the racket over me knee. Turns out, I am pretty competitive- it's just not super-obvious. I don't want to do something unless I know it's going to be the best at it (competitive meets perfectionism). I don't want to do something if I think I'm going to fail miserably (competitive meets passive-aggressive perfectionism. Oy). And I especially love to prove people wrong- defy the odds. If you want to motivate me, just tell me I can't do it.

The irony of this anxiety though, is that I'm not out to prove anyone wrong but myself. Not a single person in my life in the past five years (or ever, actually) has said to me, "Kristin- you're in way too deep and there's no way you'll be able to do ____ again. Might as well throw in the towel."

The only person saying those things to me is me.

So, a couple of truths for today, in case anyone else can identify....


Truth #1: I would feel a lot better about myself on those particularly anxious days if I talked to myself the way that all the people I love in my life talked to me.

Truth #2: There is no deadline to recovery. Slow and steady wins this race.