"I Don't Think You're Ready for *This* Jelly"

I was running some errands earlier today and one of the featured "Friday Flashback" songs came on- "Bootylicious" from Destiny's Child's Survivor Album (and since when 2004 became a "flashback," I have no idea. 6 whole years ago. What a stretch.) Anyhoo, I was instantly taken back to my single, clubbing days- drink in hand, dancing off the buzz and appreciating a song that made girls with curves feel good about what God gave 'em. There was a time when I knew this song word for word, but those days are long gone, so when I got home, I pulled up the lyrics. (And discovered that there were quite a few lyrics that I never had right to begin with...)

And while I skimmed over them, I thought, "ya know- this is pretty applicable to pregnancy too." So I thought I'd offer some insight into the words sung- ever so eloquently, I might add- by Beyonce, but with a preggo twist.


"I'm about to break you off
(if you ask me if I'm sure I'm not having twins)
Read my hips
(and you'll probably see remnants of the humongo bearclaw I had from Panera this morning)
Slap my thighs
(but be warned, they're big enough to slap you back now)
Swing my hair
(thanks to my prenatal vitamins, it grows at an alarming rate of 1/4 inch per day)
Squint my eyes
(No, I'm not trying to look sexy, I'm actually feeling a little nauseous)
Lookin' hot
(oh Jesus, here comes another hot flash)
Smellin' good
(did someone bring in a pepperoni pizza...*drool*)
Groovin' like I'm from the hood
(yeah, because they haven't even invented a word for my skin's particular shade of white)
Over my shoulder
(there's a strange new pregnancy-induced skin tag that appeared in the last few weeks. Awesome.)
Blow you a kiss
(because I'm really not in the mood to be touched. Or have sex. For like, the next 7 months).
Can you handle, handle this?
(Nope. Not without my yoga pants and a special little friend called Zofran).


I don't think you're ready for this jelly...
(I just tripped over my cankles on the treadmill)
I don't think you're ready for this jelly...
(is that *another* stretchmark??)
I don't think you're ready for this jelly...
(did someone say "jelly?" Blackberry is my favorite. I want to make biscuits. Oooh, breakfast for dinner sounds good...)


"Cause my body's too bootylicious for ya, babe."

;-)