Noise Aversion

We've all heard that pregnancy hormones can send a woman in her first trimester running for the toilet over the smell of certain foods or even the scent of aftershave her husband has been wearing for their entire married life.  Smell aversion is nothing to be messed with, my friends.  I lucked out on this one though, as I only recall a very few times where I actually ended up walking (or practically running) through the meat section of the grocery store, breathing only through my mouth so as not to start gagging.  I was sensitive to certain aromas, but not enough to bring on the dry heaves, thank God.  Instead, these lovely hormones decided to skip my nose to have a little fun with my ears.

That's right folks, due to a heightened sense of sound, I believe that I have developed certain noise aversions.  Just as smell aversions can often lead to gagging, dry heaving and sometimes ultimately puking, these noise aversions often cause me to have what I like to call *word vomit. This could be as mundane as my dog (I tend to think of him more like a rabbit on crack) barking incessantly at a squirrel outside.  This is an aversion to sounds in a higher decibel range that I simply can't tolerate right now.   It could also be the times when Jake calls me from work, and some days he just doesn't sound quite "right" to me.  Perhaps, I had thought, he should be sounding a little happier to be talking to me.   This is a different type of noise aversion- a heightened sense of tone quality.  *Look out, more word vomit.*   

But there is another form of noise aversion I'd like to address: aversions to noises that are completely and utterly unnecessary.  The other day, Jake and I were brunching at one of our favorite spots in Richmond- a small, eclectic diner situated in the heart of the city.  Like most diners, it's filled with various, and oftentimes loud, sounds: the clanking of dishes and silverware, chefs calling out short orders, the sound of the cash register drawer slamming shut, people talking and laughing.  But these sounds are only to be expected in such a place, so my noise radar had remained unaffected.  That is, until two men walked in and seated themselves at the table directly behind us.  At some point, each of them must have asked the waitress for an iced tea.  I know this not because I heard them place the order, nor did I see the waitress bring it out to them.  I know that they ordered two very large iced teas that must have arrived unsweetened because for the next 10 minutes (really, I'm not exaggerating), all I heard was the swishing of spoons, ice and plastic cups as these two grown men apparently worked feverishly to ensure that every tiny granule of sugar had dissolved into their teas.  Yes, above the talking and shouting, above the clinks of plates being cleared by the busboy, my ears could hear nothing but incessant swishing and stirring of ice.  At one point, I even turned around to look- not because I was aggravated so much as I was completely amused that two people were obviously so intrigued by the process of dissolving solids into liquid (let's go back to 5th grade, shall we?)- and I saw, to my relief, that the ice had actually melted in their cups and they were finally laying their spoons to rest.  Ah, sweet peace at last!  (Even Jake, in all his patience and understanding, was laughing at the antics of the apparently oblivious duo behind us).  I turned back around to Jake to try to finish our conversation but my attention was caught by a waitress walking past our table carrying two large glasses of ice.  Please God, no. No no no no no noooooooo.  And before I can think another "noooo," the swishing resumes.  There's fresh ice in their glasses again and it's not disappearing anytime soon.  I'm in serious disbelief over these people, who I determine must be obsessive compulsive- and mute- because neither one of them is talking to the other.  Not one word.  They just continued to stir the hell out of their iced tea, making mindless and unnecessary noise....and that's when I felt it coming up....more word vomit....and there was no stopping it. 

Needless to say, we left our waitress a good tip for having to clean up after all of that...

 

*word vomit (wurd VAH-mit) v. the vigorous expulsion of a string of obscenities and complaints (which may or may not include name calling) often preceded by thoughtless acts, words or noises on the part of an unsuspecting individual. Warning signs include but are not limited to: facial contortion, bulging eyes and/or veins, gritted teeth, flushed cheeks and white knuckles.