Many transformations happen when you cross the threshold into motherhood. There's an obvious physical realm that many can recognize right away. Your hormones take a trip to hell and back- sometimes several times a day- for the first 5 months. Your husband will not understand this and will eventually resign himself to sitting beside you on the couch and gently rubbing your back every night around 8 pm while you cry for no good reason. The emotional rollercoaster continues as you celebrate the gains and mourn the losses that coincide with becoming a first-time Mom. Among the things you gain: insight, patience, a new-found respect for your mother, an overwhelming sense of contentment and a pretty amazing pair of boobs (which your husband also loves, but- much to his dismay- is often not allowed to touch). Among the things you lose: your precious REM cycles, sanity, some babyweight (if you're lucky), and the concept of time. Days and weeks begin to blur together and your life, at least for the first 4 months, is measured in 3 hour increments.
Then there are the changes that take place in the less visible- albeit very real- emotional realm. You realize that you have been forever catapulted into this new state of being and suddenly, there's an intense awareness that every reason for your existence is for this tiny person who depends on you for everything. You will spend minutes- that turn into hours- holding her while she sleeps, memorizing her tiny features, inhaling her sweet baby smell, listening to the rhythm of each little breath. You will wonder how anything in life can be so pure and good. But your heart will break like it's never been broken before. You will never again watch a news story about an infant being abandoned/left/beaten/starved without feeling outraged. Hearing tragic stories of loss will devastate you on a personal level and you will forever be haunted by the thought, "what if that was my baby?" Inevitably, you will dream bigger, pray harder, love deeper than you ever knew you could. You will watch in wonder and pride when she smiles for the first time....babbles...sits up on her own...pulls to a stand...laughs from her belly....reaches out to hug you...says "mama"....holds her own bottle...takes her first steps...and all the while, you will think, "I'm not ready for this. This can't be happening so soon." Before you realize it, you will find yourself on a playdate with a friend, reminiscing about big bellies, 2 am feedings and post-partum hormones. And you will shake your head in disbelief while uttering that famous mom cliche- "where did the time go?"
Congratulations. The Mom transformation is now complete.
But seriously, where did the time go?
I used to think I had a lot of time on my hands. A month before Ella was born, I had a little too much of it. (Go ahead and ask me what I was doing to induce labor. No, really). I used to pride myself on keeping track of dates, appointments, get-togethers, etc., and while I haven't always been the most punctual person, it was a rare thing for me to completely "lose track of time." (My dad, on the other hand, has this down to an art). Perhaps, for the latter half of my adult life, my Type A personality prevented me from ever not knowing what time it was, or where I needed to be, or when I needed to be there. But that was then, and whatever was left of that concept of time was more or less obliterated at 7:49 pm on June 13th, 2009.
Today, I am happy to announce that I am chronically 15 minutes late to just about everything. I am guilty of oversleeping whenever Ella does. I have forgotten doctor's appointments. On days that I could be out, I have defaulted to spending them at home, on the floor with my little girl. Because children beg for us to lose ourselves, don't they? To momentarily forget that it's 3:30 a.m., no matter how tired we feel. To forget where else it is we think we need to be, because whatever it is will always be there, and because maybe, something inside us knows that our babies will not be babies but just for a minute. They will only cling to our legs for a few days, really. They will only nestle their heads in the nape of our necks for just a few nights.
So, maybe my blog hasn't been updated for the last seven months, but as you can see, I've been busy trying to lose track of the time...
